Letter to a Future Self

Dearest, Darlingest Miss Manda,

I’m going to assume at this point that because you are reading this, you have children. I hope this isn’t reaching you within the next nine months to three years becuase that would just be depressing and uncomfortable because at the time of penning this you really, really didn’t want nasty sticky little grabby hands and spilled juice and denim huggies or anything remotely related to any of these things in your house or general area. Children are sticky. You don’t like sticky. You’re also only twenty two and…well, let’s skip the lecture. That’s in the past now.

Please, do yourself a favor. Do not go out to eat with your children. And if you do, make sure you shut them up or don’t go to a swanky restaurant. Especially do not let them run around the entire restaurant screaming bloody murder and pretending they are superman by waving the blue cloth napkin around behind them while they launch themselves towards the hostess stand and put tiny greasy handprints all over the freshly cleaned glass door. Just don’t let this happen. And especially, especially do not purchase them a gigantic slice of cake after they have already taken the entire hour and a half of dinner as their personal exercise time and don’t seem to have lost any energy and it’s already eight o’clock at night and OH GOD YOU ARE GIVING THEM MORE SUGAR?

Don’t dress your kids in matching outfits for family photos. I know, this doesn’t sound so bad, but really… you’ll thank me when you see how those pictures of the whole family decked out in solid white outfits look sitting up on the mantle, or worse, how you’ll all look when you decide to pop into Wal-Mart after the photo for some last minute items. Nobody wants to see a family that looks like they’ve just stepped out of an 80s Music Video wandering the cereal aisle. Especially not Tony the Tiger. The photographer will probably hate you too, becuase portraits are sucky enough to take without having to stare at four pasty white folks in bright white we-are-either-hauling-you-away-in-a-padded-vehicle-or-preparing-for-the-return-of-Jesus get up.

And just to make sure all the bases are covered here, let’s also assume at this point you’re still slaving away your life to Facebook. Please, please, do not turn into one of these people. However exciting your child’s every movement may seem to you, I assure you that no one else finds it exciting. Probably not your husband (I hope you’re married by then, you hussy.) and most certainly not those people you went to High School with who have, for whatever reason, continued to keep you as a Facebook friend despite your constant babble about Dungeons & Dragons and other things that Virtually No One Who Grew Up On The Outer Banks Cares About.

Speaking of Dungeons & Dragons, make sure they know it’s okay to be a nerd. You figured this out entirely too late in life and spent way too much time worrying about being cool. Besides that – it’s okay to be cool and play tabletop games, maybe even with mom and dad. If you’re (un)fortunate enough to have a little girl by now, make sure she knows she can still look good and roll dice. They are not mutually exclusive.

Do not take them to any mall. Avoid scenarios like this one. Okay, sure, you know, you’re probably thinking by now my child(ren) is/are perfect! There is nothing they could possibly do to – NO. JUST STOP. JUST STOP RIGHT NOW. You’ve observed enough of this. Every single person who goes out to eat with their children always says the same thing – you know you’re guilty. “Oh, don’t worry! They are well behaved!” NO. Children are not well behaved. Children do not belong in malls or other situations that might leave them prone to grabbing and pointing and your stuffed animal obsession is bad enough without having to buy one for the whole family. Besides, when you really really have to have that really cool thing at some place, are you really gonna wanna dish out the cash for eeeeverryyyone to get one? Of course not.

This may all seem ridiculous by now, and you’re probably reading this well after your mystery children have grown up and been subjected to all of these tortures, but just in case – JUST BE SMART. You are an intelligent girl. You can have an iron fist. Use it to your advantage. Children are like cats YOU CAN AVOID GIVING IN TO THOSE CUTE GIANT EYES. You can especially avoid giving in to really stupid behavior. You are better than that.

Keep your chin up, kid. Defeat those tiny persons. Avoid silly bands. That t-shirt wasn’t cool when you bought it, it’s still not cool now. Stop wearing it.

- You.